Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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