I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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