I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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