she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
