omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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