She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
