Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
