he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize