it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
