Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
