I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize