So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
