There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
