Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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