just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
