So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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