Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
