its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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