The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
