I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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