my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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