apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
