He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
