i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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