What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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