I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
