I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Randomize
