there's paper in my vomit.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
