Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
