I wish my penis had an off switch
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
