remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize