note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
