I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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