those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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