just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Randomize
