can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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