I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
