Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
