i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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