i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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