i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
