I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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