Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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