just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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