I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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