Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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