I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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