Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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