Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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