I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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