Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
