Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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