if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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