when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
