my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
