I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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